Haha.. I wish.
I am not able to sleep. Its 6:30 AM.. I've been up since 11 AM yesterday morning. I need sleep DAMMIT!! -_-
I was trying to watch TV to calm down and in the mist of me getting something to drink the damn dish decided it needed to do an update, and as I wasnt in the room.. I wasn't able to cancel it like I have every night for the past two weeks. So I sat on the bed and played my solitaire handheld game thingie while I waited for it to do its retardedly gay (nothing against gay people here.. I am half gay after all! :D) update.. and then when it was done I was trying to enjoy George Lopez on Nick @ Nite.. but nooooooo... it had to do its transponder crap FOUR FREAKING TIMES!!! -_- After the first time I started watching Untraceable (haven't seen it in a few years and I watched a boot leg copy on the PC at the time.. so I recorded it yesterday morning and figured 'what the hell!')... then it did it the three other times and I gave up. So I went back to solitaire and started playing the music in my phone until my brother came home from work. Me in my ultimate wisdom thought I would be fine listening to "Who Knew" and not bust out crying half way through the song.... hahahaha... yea right.. didn't happen. -_- (Who Knew and Sober are two songs I can't really listen to now without busting out crying because they are what mostly got me through my dads death as well as could be without having someone physically here to comfort me...) Ugh. Retarded Mavi.. always doing retarded things to get herself hurt. *facepalm*

I am really tired.. and I really want to sleep.. but of course.. I can't. Mom asked me why I am up and I said "because I can be!" .. no other way to say it. Well there is.. but that would involve getting into details i don't want to discuss.. at least not with my mother.

I also have a question I need to ask someone that keeps nagging in the back of my brain.. but I can't find the right time to ask and I am honestly.. somewhat afraid of the response and out come of how it may effect the relationship that is involved with. Stuck between a rock and a hard place again... like always. Why do I always make crap difficult for myself? Argh.. I swear.. I think I just like having a hard time and a reason to always be in pain (rather physically, emotionally, or mentally..if anyone agrees with that though.. I WILL EAT YOU! O_O;;;;) and stressed.

I am blaming stress for my uber cramps from hell (Sam pointed it out.. so thanks baby. XD) and my sudden break out.. my skin is usually clear.. so wtf?! -_- C'mon now! I have enough to worry about.. I don't need to start freaking out over a few pimples.. but sure enough.. I do. D=

Good news I forgot to mention last night:
Mrs. Green IS letting me make up my mid-term next week.

Bad news:
Someone deleted my health project off the pc I use in keyboarding class.. after I worked TWO freaking hours on that thing without taking a break and it was 90% finished! ARGH!!!!! Now i have to go to school about 1 or 2 PM on Thursday instead of 5.. -_-' Its not due till November 5th.. but I was trying to get it out of the way..

Well.. I left the last 30 minutes of Untraceable paused in my bedroom.. so I am going to get something to quench my thirst.. finish it... and pray I can get a few hours of sleep before I really snap.. and hope this freaking nagging question goes away.. and that I can calm the hell down and keep whats left of my sanity.. =/ (if there is ANY left..).

~Mavi

Note: I did not write this. I got this from Datingish here on Xanga.. and I agree with it.. so I want to share. Enjoy.

Have you ever felt empty? No,it's not the feeling after an exam where your brain blanks out and you feel like a walking zombie. And, it's definitely not the feeling at the pit of your stomach after miles and miles of hiking with no food. When I feel empty, I feel like there's a hole in my heart. It's a hole that is unable to be filled by food, or knowledge. Hugs from friends and family help, but time always prevails. After an hour or so, I am left with the exact same feeling of emptiness.

Perhaps you know what I am talking about. You have felt this emptiness too when a person you love has passed away, if they are ill, or if they are simply too far away from you. Memories rush through your head. Memories of the time when they made a clever joke about you, and you shoved them slightly because it was mean. But inside you were smiling ever so radiantly because, you admit, the joke was pretty damn funny. Or it's the memories of you talking to them for hours as the moon rose and fell across the night sky, making you realize that time must not have wings, but jet-rockets to have flown by so quickly. These thoughts that bring a smile to your face disappear as quickly as they appear. Soon, you are still left with the feeling of emptiness.

I realized that I am overcome by this feeling much more when I am in a relationship. When I am single, I rarely feel such a way. Maybe this is why those who have never been in relationships long to be in one, so they too can try out this feeling of emptiness (love). Or, this is why people who stay single, stay single. So they don't ever feel this feeling of emptiness (vulnerability). I know everyone who has ever loved has shared this emptiness (pain) of being in love. I guess it is an unavoidable part of love. Without this emptiness(pain), how can there be love? Without sadness, how can there be happiness? Without bad, how can there be good?

I know that some people would describe this feeling as "longing" or "worrying." But is it really? Can't I also call it love, vulnerability, or even pain? Me? What do I call all these feelings that go hand in hand with love? I call it emptiness.